Job

One of (what I think) my personality flaws is thinking too much.  I just can't bring myself to stop.  I take an issue and dissect it and tear it into as many little pieces as I can in an attempt to get the big picture.  I've been doing that all weekend as I lay here in bed trying to rest from the miscarriage.  I struggle with a few different thoughts.  One in particular is from my theologically unstable upbringing and even though I know better these days, it's hard to shake this one.  And it's as old as Job.  Er....Methuselah?  But it goes back to the story of Job...what did Job's good pals say?  In chapter 8, Bildad said what Job's other friends consistently parrot back to him over and over again throughout the book:

"Does God subvert judgement? Or does the Almighty pervert justice?  If your sons have sinned against Him, He has cast them away for their transgression.  If you would earnestly seek God and make your supplication to the Almighty, if you were pure and upright, surely now He would awake for you, and prosper your rightful dwelling place."

In other words, "Job, your boys were in sin, you are in sin.  You've done something wrong.  That's why you're being punished this way.  Repent and God will make things right for you again."

Ugh.  The first Prosperity Gospel Preachers!  All Job needed to do was write a fat check to someone, right?

So I've been laying here thinking differnt thoughts to myself...I think it's normal to rehash one's life after going through a traumatic experience.  I've been able to look at a few things more honestly and can see areas that need improvement in relation to my trust in God and my attitude toward Darin and the kids and I've promised God I'm going to work harder and smarter.  But those old thoughts keep surfacing.  "God allowed the miscarriage to happen BECAUSE of these issues in my life!"  I've had to give those thoughts back to God.  Who am I to presume to know the mind of God?  I love Susan's comment to my last post:

My first miscarriage (between babies #8 and 9) was similar, with people telling me, "If you'd have prayed harder and done spiritual warfare..." It wasn't until a godly older woman reminded me that life and death are in the hands of God AND God is ALWAYS good that I was able to grieve with hope and peace.

Amen, Susan!  You know, Job never found out the reason why everything that could, happened to him.  God never told him why.  *I* don't ever need to know why we had a miscarriage.  I just need to keep my eyes on Him and not get carried away with trying to think His thoughts for Him.  And isn't it so much easier that way?  Let GOD handle the whys and what-nots.  ;-)

Miscarriage

This morning I had a miscarriage.  Today I would have been officially 13 weeks into my pregnancy.  Ever since we gave our reproductive life over to God, this is the day that I've been dreading.    I hate for someone to misunderstand me - to not "get" me.  Same with God.  I hate it when folks don't "get" that God is in control and still blessing Darin and me EVEN IF we end up with a miscarriage. 

I get it.  I'm 43.  So what most will want to do is say, "Dang, Becca!  You're too old to have more babies.  Darin is too old!  This "trusting God" thing is ridiculous!"  After all, God helps those who help themselves, right?  No.  :-)  I don't believe that.  Why would God feel invited to share in the ups and downs of my life if I felt I could run it better than Him?  He is not my co-pilot.  He is THE pilot...on those days that I do fully put my faith in Him...wish I were perfect at it.

I don't understand why we had a miscarriage.  The Bible clearly states that His ways are higher than my ways.  I will never get it this side of heaven, but I do see how God has blessed us during this whole process.  Yes, He still blesses even during the times when there is heartache.  And in that, I can proudly and boldly say that even with a miscarriage, we can still trust God and are blessed by Him and can continue to put our faith in Him for more, or no children.  Whatever He wishes.

It all started last Thursday.  I was reading through my email when I came across a post on our homeschool support group's forum that said, "New to DCHSA".  I love chatting with new homeschoolers and was curious to see what the post was about, so I clicked on the link.  The post was not written by a new homeschooler, but by a veteran homeschooling mom who had just moved into our area from a different part of D/FW.  She just happened to be a lovely friend from our early days of homeschooling.  We hadn't seen each other on a regular basis since we left our old church back in 2004, but had kept in touch with Christmas cards and are friends on Facebook.  I was excited!  She gave her mobile number in her post, so I called her right away.  We talked for over an hour and of course I told her we were expecting Beard Baby #7.  I was feeling bigger than I felt I should have been, but we were still working on insurance, so hadn't been able to get to the OB to see what was going on yet.  She said, "Go to a clinic!  I'll bet they will give you a sonogram if you will give a donation."

So I did.  I talked with my long lost pal on Thursday, and on Monday I looked up the number of the clinic that is run by our church and was able to get an appointment to have a sonogram for Tuesday.  Darin and I were so excited!  We couldn't wait to see if we had twins.

The sonogram.  Not what we expected.  It was heartbreaking.  We saw a placenta and no twins.  Not even a single baby.  The sonogram tech explained that there have been mistakes with sonograms before - there could still be a baby there, but really to prepare for a miscarriage.  Devastating.  We went home completely shell-shocked. 

Wednesday. I went ahead and called my regular OB to make an appointment to verify what we saw the day before.  Still, with no insurance lined up, it was going to cost $700 just to walk in the door but we felt as if we had no choice.  A sonogram was going to be an extra $250.  The appointment was made for Friday.

Wednesday afternoon.  My lower back started aching.  The beginnings of a miscarriage, I was sure.  But even then, Darin and I still felt hopeful that there might still be a babe in my womb.  Eternal optimists.  ;-)

Thursday.  The bleeding began, the lower back ache intensified and the cramps began.  Okay.  We finally accepted that I was indeed having a miscarriage.

Friday morning.  I woke up to Grace (19mos) crying out and not just cramps, but contractions that finally brought on the miscarriage.  I won't go into details, but it took about 5 hours from start to finish.  I am so thankful that it was in the middle of the night so the kids didn't see a thing.  I was back in bed by the time they were all waking up.

Where's the blessing in all that?

1) If I hadn't had the chance to chat with my friend who gave me such grand advice, we would have never even suspected that there was a problem.  But since we were able to get that sonogram on Tuesday, God was able to begin to prepare our hearts for the "worst."

2) If we had not had the sonogram and known there was a potential problem, we would have run to the ER in a panic as soon as I started cramping and bleeding.  That would have been more expensive than the trip to my OB and devastating to us financially.  Instead, I was able to understand the situation and quietly get through it here at home.

3) Now our $1000 trip to the OB will be dramatically less.  And I'm wondering if my OB will even feel the need to see me unless there are complications from the miscarriage.  So far, so good.  :-)

1 Peter 5:6-7 says, "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

We don't have a baby from this pregnancy, but we have evidence of His care for us in every detail of our experience.  Our baby is with Him, and He is with us.  Glory be to God.

Getting Control

I've been in recovery mode all summer...trying to get control of our schedule, chores and schooltime.  I should have known...I'm pregnant!  I didn't get a clue until I was 9 weeks and looking back, I get it now.  Most people get morning sickness or swollen feet.  Me, I get the undeniable urge to reorganize.  I look at that as a total blessing, by the way.  I am completely happy when combing through new curriculum and chore charts.  The next best thing is finding stuff to throw away.  Clutter is my enemy.

But we are so excited about our new little one who is on the way.  Groundhog Day is a very special day for us to look forward to now, and I'm praying we don't go past that date like we did with Grace...10 days overdue was no fun.

But I am so excited about our new chore system that I've gotten organized for us!  Our old system was no longer working for our growing family.  It was based around me checking chores.  A good thing, I know, but it was starting to get difficult to find the time to check them.  So many needs, so little time!  So just as I've been working on bringing us back together for school, I've been working on bringing us together for chores.  I adapted FlyLady's cleaning schedule for us all to work on together every day.  No more checking chores because I will be right there with the kids as we all work on cleaning two particular areas of the house each day.  Here's what I've done:

I've taken the house and divided it up so that we can get through each room, plus a little scrapbooking! - in 4 weeks.  But first is our Daily Home Blessing.  This is our first chore that we will work on after breakfast. 

Monday: vacuum & sweep entire upstairs & downstairs
Tuesday: dust every room in the house!
Wednesday: everyone changes sheets
Thursday: empty trash cans & clean out cars
Friday: grocery shopping
Saturday: clean kitchen & bathroom floors
clean glass in the doors & bathroom mirrors
Sunday: REST!

Here's the 4-week cleaning plan.  Thursdays are our run-around-like-crazy-people-day so I've made it an easy day for us.

                                                                Week 1 – Weekly Home Blessing Schedule

Monday: Entrance Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean windows & window sills
            2. Clean front door with All-Purpose cleaner
            3. Clean out shoe box
            4. Clean baseboards
            5. Straighten & clean out coat closet
            6. Sweet front porch
            7. Sweep & mop floor

Tuesday: Schoolroom Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean windows & sills
            2. Dust shades
            3. Dust bookshelves
            4. Dust baseboards
            5. Vacuum fan
            6. Dust piano
            7. Clean kiddie table & chairs
            8. Wipe down kitchen
            9. Sweep & mop floor

Wednesday: Lydia & Sophia’s Room Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Empty trash
            2. Dust shelves & dresser
            3. Clean out one dresser drawer
            4. Clean from under beds
            5. Clean windows & sills
            6. Vacuum w/hose around edges of room
            7. Clean fan with vacuum hose
            8. Clean out closet
           9. Vacuum the rest of the room

Thursday:  

            1. Dust the top of the refrigerator
            2. Clean garage door inside & out
            3. Lydia clean downstairs bathroom

Friday: Scrapbooking Minute
            Everyone pick out pictures from a particular event & put it down on a page or two.

Week 2 – Weekly Home Blessing Schedule

Monday: Living Room Detailed Cleaning List

1. Dust clock & pictures on wall
2. Dust mantle & knick-knacks on mantle
3. Clean out end table drawer & inside other end table
4. Dust lamp & end tables
5. Wash Joy’s bed
6. Vacuum in couch & chairs
7. Vacuum fireplace w/hose
8. Clean, organize & dust entertainment center
9. Clean window, sill & shade
10. Sweep & mop floor

Tuesday: Mom & Dad’s Bathroom Detailed Cleaning List

1. Wash area rugs
2. Clean shower stall
3. Clean outside shower door
4. Clean scale
5. Clean bathtub
6. Clean toilet
7. Clean mirror
8. Clean sinks & cabinet
9. Clean window & sill
10. Dust dresser
11. Clean floors

Wednesday: Ben’s Room Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean windows & sills
            2. Dust shades
            3. Clean out closet
            4. Dust/clean credenza
            5. Vacuum/clean behind credenza
            6. Clean behind bed
            7. Dust dresser & clean out one drawer
            8. Vacuum around edges of room w/hose
            9. Vacuum fan with hose
            10. Vacuum room

Thursday:

            1. Garage Two-Step: everyone go to the garage & put away or throw away two things.
            2. Wash & fold whites together
            3. Lydia clean downstairs bathroom

Friday: Scrapbooking Minute

Week 3 – Weekly Home Blessing Schedule

Monday: Office Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Organize & dust desks
            2. Clean & vacuum behind desks
            3. Clean windows & sills
            4. Dust shades
            5. Vacuum leaf thingy w/hose
            6. Detail dust fish tank
            7. Dust sewing table
            8. Vacuum around edges of room w/hose
            9. Vacuum room

Tuesday:  Kid Bathroom Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean window
            2. Clean tile from top to bottom
            3. Clean towel rack in shower
            4. Clean tub
            5. Clean toilet
            6. Organize linen cabinet
            7. Clean light fixture above sink
            8. Clean mirror
            9. Clean sink & cabinet
            10. Organize inside cabinet
            11. Clean baseboards
            12. Vacuum edges of room w/hose
            13. Vacuum/mop floors

Wednesday:  Stairway Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean window & sill
            2. Dust shade
            3. Clean baseboards
            4. Clean walls
            5. Clean banister & spindles
            6. Vacuum steps

Thursday:

            1. Garage Two-Step
            2. Lydia clean downstairs bathroom

Friday: Scrapbooking Minute

Week 4 – Weekly Home Blessing Schedule

Monday: Jack & Henry’s Room Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean & dust dresser
            2. Clean out one drawer
            3. Clean & organize shelves in blue dresser
            4. Clean out drawers in blue dresser
            5. Clean under bed
            6. Dust shelf above Jack’s bed
            7. Clean windows & sills
            8. Vacuum w/hose around edges of room
            9. Clean out closet
            10. Vacuum room

Tuesday: Mom & Dad’s Room Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean windows & sill
            2. Dust shade
            3. Dust dresser
            4. Dust bedside tables
            5. Fill diaper basket
            6. Clean under bed
            7. Vacuum edges of room w/hose
            8. Dust shelves
            9. Vacuum room

Wednesday: Laundry Room Detailed Cleaning List

            1. Clean tops & sides of washer & dryer
            2. Dust & organize shelf
            3. Clean gunk from under washer lid & inside dryer door
            4. Throw away empty bottles
            5. Check behind dryer & washer for clothes & garbage
            6. Vacuum floor w/hose
            7. Put in a load of laundry!

Thursday:

            1. Garage Two-Step
            2. Put away ironed clothes
            3. Lydia clean downstairs bathroom

Friday:  Scrapbooking Minute