Miscarriage

This morning I had a miscarriage.  Today I would have been officially 13 weeks into my pregnancy.  Ever since we gave our reproductive life over to God, this is the day that I've been dreading.    I hate for someone to misunderstand me - to not "get" me.  Same with God.  I hate it when folks don't "get" that God is in control and still blessing Darin and me EVEN IF we end up with a miscarriage. 

I get it.  I'm 43.  So what most will want to do is say, "Dang, Becca!  You're too old to have more babies.  Darin is too old!  This "trusting God" thing is ridiculous!"  After all, God helps those who help themselves, right?  No.  :-)  I don't believe that.  Why would God feel invited to share in the ups and downs of my life if I felt I could run it better than Him?  He is not my co-pilot.  He is THE pilot...on those days that I do fully put my faith in Him...wish I were perfect at it.

I don't understand why we had a miscarriage.  The Bible clearly states that His ways are higher than my ways.  I will never get it this side of heaven, but I do see how God has blessed us during this whole process.  Yes, He still blesses even during the times when there is heartache.  And in that, I can proudly and boldly say that even with a miscarriage, we can still trust God and are blessed by Him and can continue to put our faith in Him for more, or no children.  Whatever He wishes.

It all started last Thursday.  I was reading through my email when I came across a post on our homeschool support group's forum that said, "New to DCHSA".  I love chatting with new homeschoolers and was curious to see what the post was about, so I clicked on the link.  The post was not written by a new homeschooler, but by a veteran homeschooling mom who had just moved into our area from a different part of D/FW.  She just happened to be a lovely friend from our early days of homeschooling.  We hadn't seen each other on a regular basis since we left our old church back in 2004, but had kept in touch with Christmas cards and are friends on Facebook.  I was excited!  She gave her mobile number in her post, so I called her right away.  We talked for over an hour and of course I told her we were expecting Beard Baby #7.  I was feeling bigger than I felt I should have been, but we were still working on insurance, so hadn't been able to get to the OB to see what was going on yet.  She said, "Go to a clinic!  I'll bet they will give you a sonogram if you will give a donation."

So I did.  I talked with my long lost pal on Thursday, and on Monday I looked up the number of the clinic that is run by our church and was able to get an appointment to have a sonogram for Tuesday.  Darin and I were so excited!  We couldn't wait to see if we had twins.

The sonogram.  Not what we expected.  It was heartbreaking.  We saw a placenta and no twins.  Not even a single baby.  The sonogram tech explained that there have been mistakes with sonograms before - there could still be a baby there, but really to prepare for a miscarriage.  Devastating.  We went home completely shell-shocked. 

Wednesday. I went ahead and called my regular OB to make an appointment to verify what we saw the day before.  Still, with no insurance lined up, it was going to cost $700 just to walk in the door but we felt as if we had no choice.  A sonogram was going to be an extra $250.  The appointment was made for Friday.

Wednesday afternoon.  My lower back started aching.  The beginnings of a miscarriage, I was sure.  But even then, Darin and I still felt hopeful that there might still be a babe in my womb.  Eternal optimists.  ;-)

Thursday.  The bleeding began, the lower back ache intensified and the cramps began.  Okay.  We finally accepted that I was indeed having a miscarriage.

Friday morning.  I woke up to Grace (19mos) crying out and not just cramps, but contractions that finally brought on the miscarriage.  I won't go into details, but it took about 5 hours from start to finish.  I am so thankful that it was in the middle of the night so the kids didn't see a thing.  I was back in bed by the time they were all waking up.

Where's the blessing in all that?

1) If I hadn't had the chance to chat with my friend who gave me such grand advice, we would have never even suspected that there was a problem.  But since we were able to get that sonogram on Tuesday, God was able to begin to prepare our hearts for the "worst."

2) If we had not had the sonogram and known there was a potential problem, we would have run to the ER in a panic as soon as I started cramping and bleeding.  That would have been more expensive than the trip to my OB and devastating to us financially.  Instead, I was able to understand the situation and quietly get through it here at home.

3) Now our $1000 trip to the OB will be dramatically less.  And I'm wondering if my OB will even feel the need to see me unless there are complications from the miscarriage.  So far, so good.  :-)

1 Peter 5:6-7 says, "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

We don't have a baby from this pregnancy, but we have evidence of His care for us in every detail of our experience.  Our baby is with Him, and He is with us.  Glory be to God.